I will keep looking for the light

It’s been a tough last few weeks.

Loneliness and despair have crept up into my life more than I could imagine before I recognized their existence. Doubts about my place in the world are persistent, intense, everpresent, everlong, evergreen. I used to dream about making movies. I guess it was my way of wanting to do things that helped people. Nowadays I’m not sure what that looks like for me.

I recently heard about a family member’s passing, which my mind does not really know how to process. Death is a peculiar phenomenon in that it comes suddenly and forces you to reckon with the inevitabilities of time, but it does not equal non-existence. If anything, it perpetuates existence through the things we’ll be remembered by when God calls us to leave this earth.

I wonder what I’ll be remembered by. Will it be because of my podcast conversations? Perhaps the audiovisual work I did for many years? Maybe my designs? Or will it be because of my relationships, because of how others felt in my presence? Can that be captured and projected into the sunrises destined to grace all tomorrows for others to remember and smile about?

Will my life have meant something?

Whether life itself has meaning or not is a conundrum I fluctuate on constantly. Sometimes I feel all the pieces fall into place and the reason for my existence is clear as day. Other times I can’t muster up even the slightest grain of logic to justify my coming into this earth. I suppose that fluctuation is natural and necessary. It is my hope that it leads us into the most unexpected reflections about our transient journeys.

My Christian upbringing, a faith I have largely maintained, almost programs me to remain hopeful, even in the face of insurmountable odds, of impossible situations and hopelessly tangled webs. Even when my emotions want to color my life in a dark tone, I can’t help but eventually counter that with any source of inner light I can find.

You know what’s so fascinating about light? Even if a place is filled with shadows, with darkness, the tiniest sliver of light is enough to allow us to see. The smallest star is enough to guide us through the night. The most miniscule lantern can show us the way towards the end of the tunnel.

I will keep looking for the light. It’s all I can do. It’s all I must do.